


do you know what it's like to feel so wrong?

by ThKdsArntAlrght



Series: trans!sam drabbles [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Depression, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Pre-Canon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 20:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11813874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThKdsArntAlrght/pseuds/ThKdsArntAlrght
Summary: "I don't see a future for me, Dean!"





	do you know what it's like to feel so wrong?

Samantha Winchester felt wrong in her skin for years. It was subtle, at first. She wanted to be like her big brother Dean, and her little family assumed it was just the normal older sibling idolization that always seemed to happen. 

"Call me Sam!" It had started. That'd been the farthest she'd ever gone in displaying her feelings of wrongness. John had once spoken out, saying he had no problem with transgendered people, so long as neither of his. children ever 'decided' to be one. She didn't know why that hurt so badly. 

"Call me your brother!" She'd insisted one day, tired of Dean calling her his little sister. He'd furrowed his brows and attempted to explain that only a guy could be a brother, but her bottom lip had trembled. "It feels better!" He'd melted, and agreed to do it when John wasn't around.

At nine, Sam snuck away to the local library while Dean was helping John talk to witnesses for a hunt. After hours of searching, she found that she wasn't the only person who felt like they'd been born wrong. She cried from relief, but when Dean found her, he shut her down.

"Sammy," his voice cracked. "Dad would disown you." He put the books back in their places, trying to process. Eventually, the elder hunter 'borrowed' a few of the same books from a library, deciding that helping Sammy was more important than anything John had to say about it. He started using he/him pronouns a few weeks later despite his fear of their father, and the way Sam cried from happiness made it worth it.

At twelve, John dumped Sam off with Bobby to take Dean on a major hunt. Dean called from a few states away, excitement evident in his voice. "Sammy! We went to a mall! I got you something." Sam hadn't been expecting anything big, so when Dean got back and handed him a shirt box, he just grinned.

"Another flannel?" Dean was bouncing back and forth on his feet, extremely proud of himself. Far too proud for it to be just a shirt. Sam pulled out a forest green flannel and grinned when he saw it came from the men's section. "Thank you, De-" it was slightly heavier than it should've been, and Sam unbuttoned it to reveal a binder. His head snapped up to look at his brother. 

"I'll be out there while you try it own." Dean winked, leaving a starstruck Sam in the privacy to appreciate the presents. Fifteen minutes later, he was tackled by a slightly crying Sam. It left Bobby and John endlessly confused, but Dean got what he was trying to say, and had to wipe a few of his own tears away. 

At fourteen, John found out by digging through Sam's things. When Sam got out, he was greeted by a slap in the face and a lecture about ruining his body. 

"I knew something was wrong with you, Samantha!" He fumed. "I never should've let you cut your hair! Your mother would be so disgusted and disappointed in you!" He'd taken the binder with him, slamming the door behind him as he left.

Dean found Sam an hour later, back in the bathroom, but laying on the floor. He covered in dozens of cuts and sobbing. It broke his elder brother's heart as he recount what had happened. He was silent for a long time as he cleaned Sam up and got him into clean clothes.

"That's not fucking true," Dean said finally. "Mom would've tried. She might not have understood right away, but she would've come around. We'll get you another binder, Sammy. Hell, maybe we'll go visit Mom too. Let her know how her sons turned out." Sam let Dean ramble on, feeling better with every word. 

Dean's finger traced over a scar. "Why have you been doing this, Sam?" He asked tearfully. "Why didn't you come to me? I would've helped." Sam looked down.

"I don't see a future for me, Dean," he admitted softly. "I can't imagine me ever being truly happy, not as long as i'm in a body that makes me feel so wrong! Do you know what it's like to feel so wrong?!" Dean hugged him tightly in a display of affection that'd become increasingly rare.

"One day, we'll get away from Dad. You can transition fully, I promise. This feeling won't be forever," he murmured. "Please, Sam, don't ever hurt yourself. Don't take yourself away from me." 

Sam nodded slowly. In a week or two, or whenever John came back, there'd be hell to pay, he was sure. Something in Dean's eyes promised him safety though, and he let his older brother console him as a storm began to rage outside.

**Author's Note:**

> Sam's feelings in this are based off my own. It'd be quite nice to have a Dean, but for now, I can write vent fics and try and feel better.


End file.
